As I paint and create this sacred box I am hit with the realization that this isn’t just a fancied up box to put treasures in. No this is much more than that. This is my journey I started on a couple of years ago or so I thought.
I lovingly paint it a blush pink, one of my favorite colors and line the inside with soft grey fleece. Soft enough to hold my sacred objects that have been a part of this transformation and spiritual journey. I decorate with sand, pebbles and shells on the outside. I want this box to represent my soul. Nothing speaks to my soul like the Ocean, my true place of home. As I place each stone and shell I realize that these represent my journey. I mistakenly thought I was I at the top of the box where the beautiful seashells are lovingly displayed. Everything seemed so right, so good. Family life, job, good friends, my relationship with God. Notice how God came last? Then things began to happen and it rocked me to my core. And I started to question everything. I felt low, scared, and depressed. Things looked very dark and bleak. I realized I was actually at the bottom. Things I thought were permanent, safe and stable were actually just gifts given to me.
While some of these gifts I tried to cling to, they still fell away. Into my shell I went preferring to be alone instead of sharing my pain. Old friends fell away, new ones slowly came in. I thought I was weak and damaged and could not hold up under the pressure. And believe me I begged to be taken home again with him many times to save me from these pitfalls I begged for things I thought would be good for me. I begged for the past. I begged for God to take me out of this pain. There were days I felt I was too tired to fight anymore. I tried to give in defeated and numb. But yet somehow he made me keep going through all of these journeys, some harder than others.
Yet with each heartbreak and tear my heart kept beating and instead of closing off and breaking it only became stronger. With each crushing blow I refused to give up and I fought hard to grow and learn and I prayed. And as I kept growing I realized so many things, my heart became more open and compassionate. I developed more patience and understanding. He was molding me to be the person he knew I could be.
You see I had to grow to be able to advance to my life’s purpose. I had to realize my true potential. I had to realize I am enough and worth it. I am just as important as everyone else that God has created. It is ok if I realize my true potential and succeed, it is ok to be visible. You see this is what God wants for us. And to do this we are honoring him more than we can ever know. I used to think I knew God. Well let me tell you I didn’t and I still have a long way to go. But at least now I know I have a relationship with him like no other. One that is growing beautifully each day and one that will be with me for a long time. Oh I didn’t get here easily. Sometimes I felt shame, didn’t trust, lost hope and showed God some anger. For that I am ashamed. Thankfully it didn’t matter, he was waiting for me to get over my ego and find him again.